How to Deal With Infertility During the Holidays

The holidays. A time of togetherness, a time for family, and for those experiencing issues with infertility, sometimes a time for heartache. 

The magic of the holidays is centered around families- after all the reason for the season is about the birth of a newborn baby and His mother. 

Those same magical moments of children lining up to see Santa, the commercials of little ones running down the stairs on Christmas morning and families gathered around a holiday table serve as painful visuals for some couples who are trying to conceive children of their own.

If you are one of the 1 in 8 couples suffering from infertility this holiday season allow yourself to feel sad, deprived, depressed or angry. Infertility is a major life crisis and you are entitled to those feelings. Share these feelings with your spouse, and don’t shut each other out in this, you both are going through the same situation and it helps to talk and continue on this journey.

Grant yourself permission to grieve, give yourself some grace, and know these things:

It’s also okay to simply say, “no.”

While it might not be healthy to avoid everything about the holidays, it is okay to plan for and avoid situations that make you feel worse.  

What is it for you and your partner that is the hardest about the holidays? You are allowed to avoid those things. Is it painful going to stores because of the bombardment of childhood toys and the marketing? Maybe you decide to shop online this year. Is it hard to attend a holiday church service where children perform?

Perhaps attending a service tailored more towards adults, a midnight mass, or one offered on a college campus is better. If attending a family event or a gathering of friends is too painful because of the presence of other people’s children, grant yourself permission to politely say “no”. It’s OK. 

Be Prepared to Cope

It is important to recognize that the holiday season is family oriented and accepting that can help with the stress.

According to Dr. Mary Casey Jacob of the University of Connecticut Medical School’s infertility program who has been helping patients cope with the stresses of infertility for over 10 years, “Coping is about having a sense that you can manage a little bit about how you feel in every situation.It’s not about controlling the situation or controlling others.

You know certain situations will be tough. Good copers prepare for these situations.” If you and your partner can recognize the moments that are going to be hard, make a plan ahead of time. If family gatherings are full of too many moments, make a plan and communicate with those who will need to understand your change in plans. 

Also, taking care of yourself physically during the holidays to help cope with the stresses of infertility is equally important. The holidays can cause many of us to eat too much, drink too much, and not get enough sleep. All of these can contribute to stress levels and cause us not to cope as well as we maybe could. 

Start New Traditions

One of the major things that helped my husband and I get through the holidays as we struggled with infertility was for us to start our own traditions— just for the two of us.

These were things we could do that we knew would probably have to change if we ultimately did end up having children. They included things like a Christmas trip to the movie theater in the middle of the day, spontaneous road trips to places we had never been or a fancy steak and lobster dinner late on New Years Eve. 

Having something for you and your partner can distract from the challenges and attempts to start your family, even if it is only for a little bit.